The Tech guy I used to date a while back fixed my computer. Turns out it was just the hard drive. (i think that is a big deal though, right?) He ordered a new one for me and fixed me up rather quickly.

Anywho. He was not able to retrieve any of my pictures. :( None of the New Orleans trip, and so many other events. i am beside myslef. i love my photos.

he is such a nice guy. why is it that it didnt work out? who knows. ( i am sure it had to do more with me though. lol)

I went to Lenny's memorial service today. It was pretty overwhelming. Seeing all these people I had not seen in so long. (some of them I do see from time to time. I work with a few of them. I used to work with Debbi, Lenny's sister. She also used to be my boss' girlfriend.)

I think it was rather sad that the memorial was at a bar. (i cant get past that) But then again, that is where many of us that are gay find our families of choice since our own families have difficulty accepting our homosexuality. Half of the bar was closed off for the memorial and only friends and family were allowed. In many ways it was very nice. I got to mingle a little bit. I did not see any significant other. I don't actually know if he had a significant other. I know he dated. He was a handsome guy.

This was the first Exboyfriend's memorial that I've had to attend. That thought made me think of all the first I had with Lenny. I was pretty young, 22 or 23. And we were together 4 1/2 years. This was the first and actually ONLY significant relationship I have ever had. We lived together. The first/only boyfriend that i lived with. I loved our house. We spent about a year looking for a dining room table. One day we walked into a store and both went directly to one of the tables. We looked at each other and both said "But not the chairs." Then started laughing. So we bought that table without those hideous chairs. I bought that table from him about a year ago. I love that table.

I had to leave the memorial at this point. People were getting up to speak. I had already had several people make some not so nice remarks to me (mostly about me not drinking) So i left. I came home to honor him by myself. I finally got that good cry out. I do believe that he was worth my tears. I felt good to think about him - cry and then laugh a little. Cry some more.

The first time I ever flew was to meet him. I flew to Dallas and we drove back together. (I know it was a short flight, but it was a big deal for this little Mexican boy who had never flown or been outside of Houston and his home town in Mexico. It was the holidays. We had a great time in Dallas and then drove home together.

The First time I went to New York was with Lenny. That was so much fun. All the sight seeing and playing around. He had to work during that trip and I had to go into the city by myself. i was so scared but I did it - mostly with his encouragement.

During that trip I found out what happens when you miss your flight. lol We were late getting me to the airport to come home. I had to go to the other airport and catch a plane there. We parked the rental car outside - by the time we returned(literally 10 minutes) The car had been towed. hahahahaha so many firsts. I freaked out. He was totally calm.

My first REAL vacation. We went on a 10 day trip to Florida. We went to visit friends of mine in Tampa/St Petersburg/Clearwater. Then to Orlando for Disney and Universal Studios. After we went to Ft Lauderdale. So much fun. We drove down to Miami. Where we were departing from. That's when he surprised me. We drove all the way to Key West. For a few days before heading back to Miami. That was such a great trip - and if I recall correctly almost no arguing. (very unusual) lol

He gave me Coco as a birthday present. I love that little puppy princess. When we broke up, we stood at different ends of the kitchen and called to here. Who ever she went to would g to keep here. She came to me - in spite of him having treats in his pocket. hahahaha We laughed about that later too.

Toward the end of our relationship, we were both pretty bad and deep into our addictions. Our break up was pretty bad. We did not speak for a while - a long while. We used to fight - a lot. One time he hit me very hard and I told him not to. So, I wrestled him to the floor, hog tied him with my suit ties. And left him in the bottom of the closet while i smoked a joint. lol It's ok. He and I both have laughed about that night. I moved into the upstairs bedroom. He came home many nights drunk and high (i was too) and we would fight and argue and so on......

We of course had to do the inevitable "GO BACK" and see if after some time apart it could work. Well, no it couldn't. We had a softer, more grown up break up then. (of course, we did not live together so that made it easier)

After we broke up, I got sober. I had to. I just couldn't take it anymore. The first meeting I went to, he was there. I had no idea he was trying to get sober. I was so glad to see him there. It made me feel safe. He finally got some time about a year ago. Then relapsed again. The disease is so strong. BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD THERE GO I. I believe in remembering the WHOLE person. Not just the good stuff. So I am remembering every single act, from those good time to all the fights. That made him who he is. He and I were very passionate. In fact, he taught me about being passionate about what you do for a living.

I am glad that he and I were able to make our peace. I get so sad thinking that he is gone. He was a wonderfully talented artist. He did so much work all over the Us Canada and Mexico. He painted murals and did canvas work. ( i am glad that i have a few of his pieces of art) Such talented artist - genius really. He was the best at faux finishes and i do not mean sponging..... True design themes. Big stuff in big homes and businesses. The world will not see the light from a beautiful, shining star has gone out. You will be missed and never forgotten Thank you.

In Loving Memory
Lenny Ray Cure
May 13, 1964 - October 14, 2005

My fucking computer crashed again. This time it went dead. I cant believe I lost all those photos from New Orleans. What was I thinking? downloading them to my hard drive. I was sending them all to CD's. What was I thinking?! I know this computer was on its last leg. UGHH!

The call I got while in New Orleans was about my ex. The friend who called has all the tact of I don't know what. She left a voicemail saying he had passed away Friday night. Huh? What? I called her back and wanted to get some clarification. Well, that didn't work. She did not know anything. She just figured that I would want to know.

This was the point where we were driving to my friend's apartment in the CBD. I started to get misty eyed when the Fugees song came on the radio. Killing Me Softly That song was playing on the radio when Artiste Leonardo came to pick me up in a rental car at the airport in New York the first time I went. I think it is amazing the way one song, scent, photo, etc can bring a flood of memories back in one instant. That was such a happy time. I still cant believe he is gone.

I called his sister. She was just a big mess. And rightly so. Her only other sibling, her big bother had passed away. I barely understood anything she said. That's when I decided I had better just wait and speak with her later. Besides, he and I have been broken up for quite some time. It's not like I have place there anymore. I called a few other people and got some different answers. None of this matters. The point is he has passed away. I cant believe it.

The last time I spoke to the Artiste Leonardo was in July. We chatted for a bit. He was supposed to donate one of his pieces for a fundraiser we had. We never got around to that. I was giving him a hard time - as usual. I cant believe I will never hear his laugh again.

The reason I got a tetanus shot on Friday was because on Saturday I went with friend to New Orleans. (That is what the website said to do if you were planning on going into the city) I did not want to take any chances. I went with my friend to get some of his stuff; mostly his clothes. He moved to New Orleans the week before Katrina hit. He had to come back to Houston. His company has temporarily relocated him to Memphis. But, it seems, he will be out of work soon - post storm lay offs.

My friend came in from Memphis, spent the night at my place. We woke up really early and drove to NOLA. It was fun driving out there. We were stuck n traffic before we even got to Beaumont. We actually spent about 2 hours in traffic - stop and go...Mostly stopped. We finally got into a good flow of going and that was good.

I took some pictures from the car - as best as I could. Seeing all those trees just clipped, broken in East Texas - aftermath of RITA - just awful. Those folks were getting themselves back together. We saw some damage from the freeway - I am sure it was worse where we could not see.

As we were approaching the New Orleans area, I felt a very definite change in the air. It was much quieter. Going into Kenner, you could really see the beginnings of wreckage. In Metairie it was more noticeable. Once in Orleans Parish, BOOM! It was everywhere. I was so sad. This city has meant so much to me over the last five years. I could not believe my eyes. We did not even make it to the bad part of the city. I do not think I could have stood it.

It was nice to see the Southern Belle - at his own house. It felt so good to give him a nice, tight hug. (I cant even begin to explain what he has been through.) He apparently he got power in his neighborhood so he has been staying in his own house. No gas though. He has to warm up water on the electric stove to take baths.... Imagine. Not only that but there is a curfew so home by 8 pm. No cable so that means no TV....imagine.No Cable so that means no internet either. He got his new refridgerator. (that reminds me. Driving down the street you could see a fridge in front of every house - duct taped shut. Everything spoiled so bad that you have to throw away the whole appliance) yikes! He took us on a tour of the neighbors house, the neighbor behind him and on the next block. He is very fortunate to still have his house livable.

During this I got a voicemail from a friend back home. Someone I had not spoken with in a very long time. Not good news. I will post on that later. I will say that I was very shocked and that I became so sad it took everything I had to do what was in front of me - helping my friend move his stuff. I was just so emotionally exhausted.

The southern Belle was still showing southern hospitality and made coffee. (I love his coffee. He makes really good coffee) We chatted briefly and then all of us headed to my friend's apartment in the CBD. for those of you that dont know that would be downtown or as the New Orleanians call it CBD, (Central Business District) lol

After my friend went and tried to get into his apartment - with no avail. The security guard would not let him in. He did as he was told and called some number that went to voicemail. He then argued with the security guard. There were some pretty heated words. You could tell he was frustrated. I just happen to think that I am not supposed to argue with someone who has a gun on his hip. Especially because when he calls the other guns (cops) they will believe him over me and then I end up in jail. My friend finally asked the guard, "If I go upstairs what are you going to do?"
the reply was "you are not going upstairs."
My friend looked at me and said, "C'mon let;s go."
To which I replied, "I love you but I am not going to jail for you."

After my friend and I had some words. I got another call on the .Same topic and I welcomed that distraction but it made me even more sad.

Then the guard came and got us and said we could go in so long as no one saw. And there were lots of construction workers around. Finally we got to g in.

THANK THE GODS! The elevator worked. You see. My friend lives on the 14th floor. We were ready and willing to climb 14 flights of stairs to get his clothes. We had several - about 8 laundry bags. BIG Laundry bags to tuff clothes in and bring down. WHEW! We took the elevator and got this all done fairly quickly. About and hour and a half. We took the elevator down and threw everything in the back of his Volvo. woo-hooo.

When we got in the car- my sadness over the phone call came back - overwhelmingly. I started to tear up. Almost cry but I have a hard time doing that - crying.

My friend became super needy. Asking for directions. REALLY stupid ones like "which way do we turn?" HELLO! It is a one way street! And it did not get any better the rest of the way.. You know. I got really mad. We got back to the Southern Belle's house. I wanted to change. I had a little breakdown in the bathroom. it felt good to get some tears out. I got dressed. Composed myself. Got back in the car. Finally I got really quiet and withdrawn. I needed time for me. I had done my job with him - helping him get his clothes. I don't think he understood that. It was a silent drive all the way back home. And even when we got to Houston he asked. "how do I get to your house?" I did not even bother answering. He knows where I live.

he dropped me off and I jumped in the shower. I was hungry, sad, I tried to cry but couldn't. I had to teach yoga the next morning. I had to be ina good place with the students. I said a little prayer and went to bed.

I got a tetanus shot earlier today. It really hurts right now. I have been massaging my arm like the nurse showed me. I am gonna be hurting tomorrow. I'll post more later as to why i got this shot.

YES. BE AFRAID. BE VERY AFRAID. Remember, My solutions scare me..... they should absolutely strike a fear in you such that you have never known. lol

I have issued a MORATORIUM on dating and guys in general.

I believe I should start a club like the Little Rascals. They had the "HE-MAN WOMAN HATERS CLUB"

I am currently taking suggestions for a name for the new club. It will not be limited to homosexuals either.


Who knows. I am just tired. sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I had a conversation with my guy again. He does not seem to get that I need space and time to get over him. He wants to hangout and call me and talk - like nothing happened. I understand that. I am not able to offer that right now. I am being a bit selfish, but I have to watch out for my own well being. I am doing this without hurting anyone - you know, being mean or ugly to get him to leave me alone.

However, each time we talk I end up being even more sad and frustrated. I get into an isolation mode. I do not want to venture out. I will eat a can of green beans for dinner instead of going out to the grocery store or any restaurant. I am truly wishing all of this was over. I know that it will take time. I know that this guys is sweet and nice and all that stuff. He just needs to leave me alone.

So my solution (my slutions sometimes scare me by the way) to this is to find a new. That old saying, 'best way to get over a guys is to find a new one'. I have been chatting to a guy on line for bout 9 months. We finally spoke on teh phone last weekend. He seems like a nice guy. We seemed to have a lot in common. Similar ways of thinking. So we made plans to go out to dinner. I called him this evening around 6 and left a message. We had plans for about 7:30. I called again at 7 and left another message. hmmmmm
I logged on. There he was. I emailed him: "Is this your correct number?" followed by the number. He replied yes and that his wireless sometimes screwed up the signal. I left it at that.

I got stood up. I GOT STOOD UP! ughhhh!


Going back to my orignal guy and in light of the new guy standing me up. Well, this is what I did.

I called Mary Christmas (he is in Dallas) and we talked. I went on and on and on. Not being too nice. Saying things like, "I wish that fucker would just leave me alone" I know I don't think of him that way. I am just tired. I went on to say things like' "that's it! I am not dating anymore. I am gonna go back to what I know. Screw 'em and leave 'em!." Although this can be fun, I am still end up alone. I have a rep among my friends about not letting guys spend the night. It's true. I don't like that. That has not been the case. Talk about getting out of my comfort zone by letting this guy spend the night - A LOT! So then I said, "I am gonna concentrate on my work. Do the things that are in front of me. I am done with guys. I have to be honest, girls are looking pretty good right now." Crazy thinking of course. "Guys are no good. I am gonna use them and that's that!"

Mary Christmas just replied. "Sounds like you are Jaded going on Bitter."

we laughed and nothing else was said.

Page 89. Working With Others

I met with a guy that I have sponsored now for a few years. It has been such wonderful experience. He used to be my old dealer. lol yeah, can you beleive it? It is amazing to see the people that come into these rooms if we stay around long enough. Anyway. I knew something was up. I tend to do the same thing sometimes....talk about everything BUT what is bothering me. Leave that for the very end of the meeting. So I asked what was up and for him to be honest with me. That's when he said that he thought maybe it was time to work with someone else. He was so nervous. Kind of scared also. I told him that I have been in his shoes and had this same conversation with some of my former sponsors. That is was all ok. I think that put him at ease.

I reminded him of the following. He had a relapse a while back. When he returned I made it clear that if he wanted to work with someone else, I completely understood. That I was only here to help and that if I was not providing what he needed, that I would help find the person that would or, at least be supportive. He said no. He wanted to keep working with me. That I had what he wanted. And so we went forward.

Coming to this point has been a priveledge and an honor. Working with him has truly kept me sober. I have grown as a person, as a friend, as sponsor and sponsoree- ultimately as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am amazed the way this works. I started off to help someone and in return was given EVERYTHING I needed, wanted and was even surprised with the results that I had no idea existed. He said that he was sad. I said yes, a little bit. Only because it is change. I will still be here and be part of your support group if he would have me. Told him there was the flip side.

The flip side: I told him I was excited for him. He asked why. I told him because I had been in this same place. A new sponsor would shake things up and keep him on his toes. There is a certain level of willingness that makes us work hard with new people. It is unkown. We dont know what to expect. Or what is expected of us. And yet we work to make it happen. There are exciting times on the horizon ahead. aking a turn on the path and satrting a new journey. A journey that woud be far beyond anything that we could imagine. I told him that we would still be walking side-by-side as we both had a common goal - to stay sober.

When I came home, I picked up my Big Book, and this is what I read:

I came home from work today. Played with the dog. Got some paper work done. Sending business in to my company which means I get paid. I have not really been paid since before Katrina.

While I was sitting at my desk, I heard the dog siffing very loudly by the front door. (She is part beagle, that sniffing thing is annoying sometimes) I called her over to me and she was not coming. When I stood up, she came to me. I walked to the door and opened it. There it was. A little package. A small brown box. FROM THE LLAMA LADY! No wonder Coco was sniffing. She probably smells all the alpacas and animals from the farm.lol

I tore that sucker open! Inside there were all kinds of great little doo-dads! They were each individually wrapped. I love that. It is like Christmas. I kept opening smaller package after package. I love getting packages, boxes, anything in the mail or UPS or FEDEX. I especially like cards or letters in the mail. I like sending that stuff too.

That made my afternoon.

Thanks Llama Lady!

I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks. It was fun. He is handsome and nice and honest. Then, he realized that maybe we were not right for each other. We got to a point where, basically he told me he was not into me. I get that. He tried to soften the blow by saying that maybe, over time, his feelings would change. Well, that did not make sense to me. You either like me or you dont. So, he's not into me. Cool. Doesnt mean that it has not been difficult. We have still been talking and getting together (no, not hooking up). But this was really confusing me. It made it more difficult after he left each time. And each time it made me more sad. Last week, last Thursday to be exact.I was in bed at 7pm 'cause I just could not take it any more. I wanted the day to end. He called that evening and asked if everything was ok. I said yes. he asked why I was in bed already. I told him I was sad. He asked if it was because of him. I said no. He asked if I was being honest, I said no. Then I stopped and said I just wanted to go to bed and that we could talk later. That this really is something that I have to walk thru, it has nothing to do with him and NO! HE CANT HELP ME GET THRU THIS!

He called a little bit ago. He said that he feels like I have been avoiding him a litte bit. And that he felt bad cause he thinks I am a great guy and wants me to be a part of his life. I told him that, well, it doesnt work that way. I think he is a great guy too. BUT, it is painful for me to see him and know that he does not want to be with me. Yes, a bigger person might make all the effort. I am tired of making the effort. Many people say that they stay "friends" with their exes. I dont know about that. I dont just call them up and say, "HEY, wanna go hangout?" Or "wanna have dinner?" or "Let's go play at the park." Some people do have this -not me. I am clear that these relationships have changed. I am proud that most, if not all of my past relationships are amiable. but we are not friends. you know?

Anyway. He is so sweet. He really is such a nice guy. He really does not want me to feel this way. I think he feels bad. I dont think he should. This is part of the whole dating process. He kinda left it at giving me space. He is not gonna call me. He said that he would wait and that when I was ready I could call him. My thinking is, "GREAT! Go away." I did not say this. I donot want to call him. If this is over, then this is over. I will be nice when I see him. I still think of him very fondly. I am not holding any resentment against him. I am not even asking why? I know that there is no answer to that sometimes in relationships. I just want to move through this. Get my own regular,non-realtionship, I-am-not-seeing-anyone feelings back.

He said he would be there if I needed him. Such sweet innocence in a way. A certain naivete. And all I said was, "I'll call you."

There is a new yoga studio in Houston opening soon. Bikram Yoga The Woodlands. It is about 30 miles north of Houston. The directors of the the studio have been waiting to open for quite some time. That time is here. They opne next weekend. Today we had a pre-opening yoga class. I was asked to teach. yikes! I have not taught since April. But, it is like riding a bike. You start to remember as you go along. It is kind of funny. Right before class i ran into the men's room and took some deep breaths. I asked God to direct the class. I asked him to use me as a vehicle to reach out to the students and allow them to experience the healing and therapeutic benefits of yoga. Many of these students are new. They have never done this before. I asked that "I" be removed and that the "yoga" be allowed to flow thru me. Then I ran into the yoga room and started class. It was a bit odd at first, and after a few minutes, my tension, my fear melted away. I got comfortable and all the information just started to pour out - just like the sweat from each of the students. It was a good class.

At the end of class, while everyone was relaxing laying on their backs, I was doing my closing. The students started giggling and laughing a little bit. I paused wondering was whta going on and then kept going with my closing. I said, "This feeling you are experiencing, this PEACEFUL BLISS, as you go throughout your day, let no one steal your peace." WELL! after class, they told me that the first time I said, "THIS PISSFULL BLISS" they started laughing i paused then I said, "this PEACEFUL BLISS" I turned beet-red. And this was about 20 minsutes after class. How could that have happened? And I did not even catch it. I am just glad that everyone thought it was funny and no one was offended. Just another yoga class.