Sunday, October 02, 2005
I'll call you.
I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks. It was fun. He is handsome and nice and honest. Then, he realized that maybe we were not right for each other. We got to a point where, basically he told me he was not into me. I get that. He tried to soften the blow by saying that maybe, over time, his feelings would change. Well, that did not make sense to me. You either like me or you dont. So, he's not into me. Cool. Doesnt mean that it has not been difficult. We have still been talking and getting together (no, not hooking up). But this was really confusing me. It made it more difficult after he left each time. And each time it made me more sad. Last week, last Thursday to be exact.I was in bed at 7pm 'cause I just could not take it any more. I wanted the day to end. He called that evening and asked if everything was ok. I said yes. he asked why I was in bed already. I told him I was sad. He asked if it was because of him. I said no. He asked if I was being honest, I said no. Then I stopped and said I just wanted to go to bed and that we could talk later. That this really is something that I have to walk thru, it has nothing to do with him and NO! HE CANT HELP ME GET THRU THIS!
He called a little bit ago. He said that he feels like I have been avoiding him a litte bit. And that he felt bad cause he thinks I am a great guy and wants me to be a part of his life. I told him that, well, it doesnt work that way. I think he is a great guy too. BUT, it is painful for me to see him and know that he does not want to be with me. Yes, a bigger person might make all the effort. I am tired of making the effort. Many people say that they stay "friends" with their exes. I dont know about that. I dont just call them up and say, "HEY, wanna go hangout?" Or "wanna have dinner?" or "Let's go play at the park." Some people do have this -not me. I am clear that these relationships have changed. I am proud that most, if not all of my past relationships are amiable. but we are not friends. you know?
Anyway. He is so sweet. He really is such a nice guy. He really does not want me to feel this way. I think he feels bad. I dont think he should. This is part of the whole dating process. He kinda left it at giving me space. He is not gonna call me. He said that he would wait and that when I was ready I could call him. My thinking is, "GREAT! Go away." I did not say this. I donot want to call him. If this is over, then this is over. I will be nice when I see him. I still think of him very fondly. I am not holding any resentment against him. I am not even asking why? I know that there is no answer to that sometimes in relationships. I just want to move through this. Get my own regular,non-realtionship, I-am-not-seeing-anyone feelings back.
He said he would be there if I needed him. Such sweet innocence in a way. A certain naivete. And all I said was, "I'll call you."
He called a little bit ago. He said that he feels like I have been avoiding him a litte bit. And that he felt bad cause he thinks I am a great guy and wants me to be a part of his life. I told him that, well, it doesnt work that way. I think he is a great guy too. BUT, it is painful for me to see him and know that he does not want to be with me. Yes, a bigger person might make all the effort. I am tired of making the effort. Many people say that they stay "friends" with their exes. I dont know about that. I dont just call them up and say, "HEY, wanna go hangout?" Or "wanna have dinner?" or "Let's go play at the park." Some people do have this -not me. I am clear that these relationships have changed. I am proud that most, if not all of my past relationships are amiable. but we are not friends. you know?
Anyway. He is so sweet. He really is such a nice guy. He really does not want me to feel this way. I think he feels bad. I dont think he should. This is part of the whole dating process. He kinda left it at giving me space. He is not gonna call me. He said that he would wait and that when I was ready I could call him. My thinking is, "GREAT! Go away." I did not say this. I donot want to call him. If this is over, then this is over. I will be nice when I see him. I still think of him very fondly. I am not holding any resentment against him. I am not even asking why? I know that there is no answer to that sometimes in relationships. I just want to move through this. Get my own regular,non-realtionship, I-am-not-seeing-anyone feelings back.
He said he would be there if I needed him. Such sweet innocence in a way. A certain naivete. And all I said was, "I'll call you."
