Saturday, December 30, 2006
Damn IT
I hate to put myself out there. I did this and have been feeling some pretty raw emotions.
I asked a friend for help and he agreed. When I called the day I needed that help, my calls were not answered or returned. I was in a tough spot and figured I should pull myself up by the boot straps. So I did. I felt just awful tho. Everything got done, but I was in so much fear.
I just kept thinking to myself, “See, no one will ever be there to take care of you. You have to do that yourself.” It was not the bitchy, "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." It was more of a sad, 'You are alone and you alone are responsible for you. No one will take care of you.' And under that was probably, “You are not worth anyone’s time.. You are not worth anyone taking time out to take care of you.”
So I felt like I put myself out there, became vulnerable by asking for help, and I was just punched really hard - caught completely off guard and had the wind knocked out of me.
Don’t know what to do. Maybe nothing. I have just been thinking that I am truly the only one responsible for me. It is my job, no one else’s to assure that my life and my affairs get taken care of.
Some one stole my peace, but some good will come of it. I know that for sure.
I asked a friend for help and he agreed. When I called the day I needed that help, my calls were not answered or returned. I was in a tough spot and figured I should pull myself up by the boot straps. So I did. I felt just awful tho. Everything got done, but I was in so much fear.
I just kept thinking to myself, “See, no one will ever be there to take care of you. You have to do that yourself.” It was not the bitchy, "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." It was more of a sad, 'You are alone and you alone are responsible for you. No one will take care of you.' And under that was probably, “You are not worth anyone’s time.. You are not worth anyone taking time out to take care of you.”
So I felt like I put myself out there, became vulnerable by asking for help, and I was just punched really hard - caught completely off guard and had the wind knocked out of me.
Don’t know what to do. Maybe nothing. I have just been thinking that I am truly the only one responsible for me. It is my job, no one else’s to assure that my life and my affairs get taken care of.
Some one stole my peace, but some good will come of it. I know that for sure.
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I've suffered from that "alone" thing all my life, regardless of whethere it's based on reality or not.
In this respect, you are not alone. Ironic, eh?
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In this respect, you are not alone. Ironic, eh?
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