Sunday, January 29, 2006
Happy Chinese New Year
I had a good day today. Hung out with Mary Christmas a lot. It is nice to have him home for a week. Anywho. I went to a meeting. During the meeting I sent a text message to The Boy Who Knits asking if he wanted to have Chinese food after. After the meeting, we were hanging trying to figure out what we were gonna do. This kid walks right up to The Boy Who Knits and says, "Happy Chinese New Year to you!" We all just busted out laughing. Kenny has a great sense of humour. We started talking about that a little and then headed to dinner. At dinner, The Boy Who Knits was impressed that I knew the following about Chinese culture:
The Chinese use mascots assigned to each year. There are twelve so they are recycled every twelve years. According to the year you were born, you have the characteristics of that mascot. BUT BE CAREFUL! It goes by the Chinese calendar not the Gregorian Calendar. Many people are mistaken as to what there mascot is because of this.
You can read more about the current Chinese New Year, Year of the Dog here.
Boy Who Knits, was just imoressed that I was, as he put it, "so cultured" Naw dude, I'm not cultured. I just know a lot of useless information. Really, I do.
Go over and wish The Boy Who Knits a Happy Chinese New Year.
The Chinese use mascots assigned to each year. There are twelve so they are recycled every twelve years. According to the year you were born, you have the characteristics of that mascot. BUT BE CAREFUL! It goes by the Chinese calendar not the Gregorian Calendar. Many people are mistaken as to what there mascot is because of this.
You can read more about the current Chinese New Year, Year of the Dog here.
Boy Who Knits, was just imoressed that I was, as he put it, "so cultured" Naw dude, I'm not cultured. I just know a lot of useless information. Really, I do.
Go over and wish The Boy Who Knits a Happy Chinese New Year.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Walking in The Rain
I have had an awesome day! It has been a long time since I have felt like this - like me....alive. I woke up and went to a yoga class. Awesome! I came home and did a few things around the house. Awesome! I went to a meeting and I got what I needed. Awesome! I went to lunch with friends. Awesome! After that, Hot Gymnastic Kid and I went for a long walk. No really, a long walk. About 6 miles or so. It was overcast and very windy. We got to talk and catch up. The best part is that there really was no heavy conversation per se. It was just regular talk about stuff, life, happenings. I love that. Not looking for solutions which means there are problems. I don't mind that, it's just that, sometimes it seems like that is all I do with people. So this was really nice. It started to sprinkle about half way and then to rain. It felt so good. It was not a down pour, such as what we seem to get a lot these days. It was just an even rain. We kept walking, laughing, talking. It was fun. stepping in puddles, feeling the rain wet my hair, the way it drizzled down my face, neck be soaked he up by my shirt. At first it was just the shoulders that were wet. By the end we were completely soaked. I could not remember when was the last time I walked in the rain. I felt like a kid, just out having fun. The best part is that mom would not be yelling at me for being all wet, getting in the car wet, having wet shoes, or coming home all wet. GOD! I love being a grown up! And walking in the rain.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Under Construction
They have been working on our streets for quite sometime. I thought they were one with our street, but I was wrong. They did one side, now they are doing the other. Well, actually that is not completely true. I mean, they did work on the other side of the street and repaved it. Now they are doing both sides but getting into our drive ways. Last night when I opened my front door, this is what I saw:
and in my front yard they left this behind:
It has been frustrating NOT to park in my own driveway. Nothing chaps my ass more than not being in my driveway - stuff left over from being a teenager with a car and having to constantly move in and out of the driveway for my older brothers and sister. Being the youngest really sucks when everyone else can boss you around. But I digress. This is my driveway and yard from my front porch and street.
I woke up this morning to a very loud construction crew at what must have been 6am. NOT COOL! Of course, waking up to a loud jack-hammer-type machinery tearing up my drive way right outside my bedroom window would do the trick to piss me off too! I was so pissed. It seems lately everything can steal my peace. Then I started laughing. I did Billy Blanks Basic Training workout the day before yesterday. OUCH! To my ego. I couldn't finish the workout. I only did about 30 minutes. OUCH! To my legs. I am so fucking sore today I could barely walk. My thigh biceps were fucking killing me. Talk about forgetting I was pissed. I was too busy just trying to get out of bed. So I stayed in bed till 7:30. Finally worked up enough umpf to rouse myself up. I am hurting. I have not felt like this since I had a trainer that made me do walking lunges - lots of walking lunges. I quickly forgot about all the noise. My body is pissed off at me for doing that work out. You see, I am under construction too. I needed to remember that.
I had my coffee and started my day.
and in my front yard they left this behind:
It has been frustrating NOT to park in my own driveway. Nothing chaps my ass more than not being in my driveway - stuff left over from being a teenager with a car and having to constantly move in and out of the driveway for my older brothers and sister. Being the youngest really sucks when everyone else can boss you around. But I digress. This is my driveway and yard from my front porch and street.
I woke up this morning to a very loud construction crew at what must have been 6am. NOT COOL! Of course, waking up to a loud jack-hammer-type machinery tearing up my drive way right outside my bedroom window would do the trick to piss me off too! I was so pissed. It seems lately everything can steal my peace. Then I started laughing. I did Billy Blanks Basic Training workout the day before yesterday. OUCH! To my ego. I couldn't finish the workout. I only did about 30 minutes. OUCH! To my legs. I am so fucking sore today I could barely walk. My thigh biceps were fucking killing me. Talk about forgetting I was pissed. I was too busy just trying to get out of bed. So I stayed in bed till 7:30. Finally worked up enough umpf to rouse myself up. I am hurting. I have not felt like this since I had a trainer that made me do walking lunges - lots of walking lunges. I quickly forgot about all the noise. My body is pissed off at me for doing that work out. You see, I am under construction too. I needed to remember that.
I had my coffee and started my day.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Connecting
I called a friend of mine yesterday. I called her for a very specific reason. I know she went thru a very similar situation. I knew she would be able to help me. We got to speak today. I asked my question and a dialogue followed. I listened very intently not wanting to miss anything being said. I am grateful there was no judgment, no reprimand, no "being talked to", just plain old conversation. I felt like I had a voice and I was being heard. The decisions that I had made - as crazy as they were - slowly, changed. After all, they were just decisions. No action had been taken yet.
I am grateful that she was there to listen and to talk. In some way, also to give direction. God, how I want some direction. As I heard her speak, I had tears running down my cheeks. I was trying to stop, but there was no use. The tears mostly just to let "it" out. Whatever "it" is or was. I have felt so disconnected lately. I have felt as if I did not have a voice. Like no one was hearing me or understanding me. I have been isolating. I have been maybe trying to reach out and not knowing how. My friend understood. She had been there. And everything she said just made sense. I felt that connection again however brief that might have been. And I listened, and I connected and I was moved.
I called the Serene Silver Fox shortly after. I still speak to her frequently. I think about 3 times yesterday. And we talked about this conversation. And it felt good. I think that she was mostly happy I was crying. I DO NOT CRY! Or rather I find it difficult to do so and to talk about it. I don't mind if you cry. I don't think it weak. I envy people that can be so open about their emotions. She tried to tell me that I mattered. That I have touched many lives. And this is not about an ego. I just feel so insignificant. So the Serene Silver Fox and I talked and joked. And I felt better.
My friend called back to let me know that she had run into someone else we both knew that was going thru a similar experience. And she laughed. I love that laugh. And she was carrying on about how there must be something in the air. That there were too many of us going thru this. That maybe we should start our own group where we could all talk. She had me rolling. And I felt like I mattered. I mattered enough for her to call me back and relay this info.
I got back to work and boy, was I productive. I should have more afternoons where I have an emotional release like this.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you BOTH!
PS. The Serene Silver Fox has had her name for a while. I will have to come up with a name for my friend - one that will do her justice. That will be forthcoming.
I am grateful that she was there to listen and to talk. In some way, also to give direction. God, how I want some direction. As I heard her speak, I had tears running down my cheeks. I was trying to stop, but there was no use. The tears mostly just to let "it" out. Whatever "it" is or was. I have felt so disconnected lately. I have felt as if I did not have a voice. Like no one was hearing me or understanding me. I have been isolating. I have been maybe trying to reach out and not knowing how. My friend understood. She had been there. And everything she said just made sense. I felt that connection again however brief that might have been. And I listened, and I connected and I was moved.
I called the Serene Silver Fox shortly after. I still speak to her frequently. I think about 3 times yesterday. And we talked about this conversation. And it felt good. I think that she was mostly happy I was crying. I DO NOT CRY! Or rather I find it difficult to do so and to talk about it. I don't mind if you cry. I don't think it weak. I envy people that can be so open about their emotions. She tried to tell me that I mattered. That I have touched many lives. And this is not about an ego. I just feel so insignificant. So the Serene Silver Fox and I talked and joked. And I felt better.
My friend called back to let me know that she had run into someone else we both knew that was going thru a similar experience. And she laughed. I love that laugh. And she was carrying on about how there must be something in the air. That there were too many of us going thru this. That maybe we should start our own group where we could all talk. She had me rolling. And I felt like I mattered. I mattered enough for her to call me back and relay this info.
I got back to work and boy, was I productive. I should have more afternoons where I have an emotional release like this.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you BOTH!
PS. The Serene Silver Fox has had her name for a while. I will have to come up with a name for my friend - one that will do her justice. That will be forthcoming.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
It's Official
I got a call from the Serene Silver Fox. She was so excited. Her voice was a bit shakey or maybe a better word was quivering. Yes that is it. Quivering with excitement, joy, relief, a sense of accomplishment and being humble in the greatness of it. She had a moment. And she shared it with me. "It's official!" she said. She is 19, nineteen, dix-neuf, diez-y-nueve years sober!!! That's a long time. You have found a way out.
Congratulations! Congratulations Serene Silver Fox and Happy 19!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Just What the Doctor Ordered
I am repeatedly in awe at how serendipitous life can be. Today has been completely wonderful in many ways.
I woke up in a fairly hostile, don't-mess-with-me mood. I got into it with the VP and GM of my company. We were working on a major problem with one of my clients. My corporate office dropped the ball and something never got done - for a full freakin year! I basically was an all around pain and still got nothing done.
I spoke to my boss and we came up with a game plan for the day.
I was busy getting all kinds of paperwork done when I got a call from Hot Yoga Chick. She was coming into town to get her hair done and go shopping for a new outfit to wear Saturday night to the Yoga Studio's Grand Opening Party. She asked if I wanted to go to lunch. YAY! Lunch plans. It has been since October since HYC (Hot Yoga Chick ) had come into Houston. So I jumped on it. We agreed she would call me when she was done and so it would be a late lunch. I worked my little tail off. I got dressed and around 1:30 went to run some errands. During that time she called, we made our plans and off I went to meet her. On my way, I decided I would go shopping too. I ws taking the rest of the day off! SCREW THOSE PEOPLE AT WORK!
We met at the Galleria and had lunch. Great conversation. It was good to laugh, chit-chat and catch up. Then off to go shopping. I hit the Kiehl's counter at Nieman's and made small talk with Roxanne. She is the best sales girl. After that, I needed nothing else. I was just gonna help Hot Yoga Chick pick out an outfit, you know, just along for the ride. We had so much fun. Store after store and as it turns out I got something I have been wanting for a while. A hard boiled egg slicer. hahahaha Yeah. That's right. This is gonna fix all my problems today!
During the shopping trip I got a call from Wild Party Boy. I used to sponsor him and he has been out on a long relapse. He calls me every so often and I call him too. He had not returned any phone calls since before Thanksgiving. It was so good to talk to him. He told me he started IOP today. Then he asked if I would still work with him. I said OF COURSE! After we hung up I realized that I was not actively sponsoring anyone. I did have one guy and he relapsed Saturday night. Said he would call me but has not done so yet. These guys really keep me on my toes and on the straight and narrow.
I did get a few things for myself too. A couple of shirts, a pair of jeans. Stuff I did not need, but things I wanted. I realized I had not been shopping for myself, for clothes, or things for the house in a really long time. It felt good to spend a little money and get some joy that way. I was very aware of my behavior. I was not acting out in spending. Had I done that, my charge card would have felt it. There would have been many shoes purchased too - Lots of shoes. And there were no shoes. I didn't even try any on. And besides, I don't think an egg slicer constitutes acting out! lol
After all of this. We went to dinner at a sushi restaurant she likes. Very nice. We got to talk even more. It was great! The food was great! I loved it. During our conversation I somehow opened up a lot about my recovery. She knows I am sober, but we never really talked about it. She basically knows that this is a very important part of my life - and reminds me of that from time to time. lol
I was telling her about a friend of mine, Red Head Girl. Red and I have been friends for a long time. There are times when we go without speaking for years, and then we reconnect. I told Hot Yoga Chick how Red would go to the place where I attend meetings when she wanted to find me. And then we would catch up and stuff. Red has tried getting sober many times. And, of course, that is difficult for me emotionally. I just want the best for her, but I realize I may not know what that is. So get this: As we are about to leave, check is paid, we are just chatting some more, my phone rings from a number I don't know. I answer the call, and it is RED HEAD GIRL! I have not seen or heard from her in about five years! Red said that several of her friends went to a meeting on a Tuesday night two weeks ago and heard me share. They liked me and talked about me after the meeting in their half-way house. When Red heard my name she knew it must be me! She was mad she didn't go to the meeting that night. When it came to choose what meeting they were going to tonight, she insisted on going where I go. She went to the meeting tonight to look for me and I wasn't there. So she asked a guy, a friend of mine, for my number. He remembered her from several years ago when the three of us went to dinner after a meeting. And so there she was calling me. I told her I would call her right back, when I Got in the car. I said my good-bye's with Hot Yoga Chick and jumped in Lupe (my accord) and redialed Red's number. It was soooooo good to talk to her and catch up. We talked for quite a while. I am continuously amazed at how God can direct certain events in my life. I needed the day with Hot Yoga Chick, I needed the cal From Wild Party Boy. And I needed the call from Red Head Girl. All in all today, these events are just what the doctor ordered.
I woke up in a fairly hostile, don't-mess-with-me mood. I got into it with the VP and GM of my company. We were working on a major problem with one of my clients. My corporate office dropped the ball and something never got done - for a full freakin year! I basically was an all around pain and still got nothing done.
I spoke to my boss and we came up with a game plan for the day.
I was busy getting all kinds of paperwork done when I got a call from Hot Yoga Chick. She was coming into town to get her hair done and go shopping for a new outfit to wear Saturday night to the Yoga Studio's Grand Opening Party. She asked if I wanted to go to lunch. YAY! Lunch plans. It has been since October since HYC (Hot Yoga Chick ) had come into Houston. So I jumped on it. We agreed she would call me when she was done and so it would be a late lunch. I worked my little tail off. I got dressed and around 1:30 went to run some errands. During that time she called, we made our plans and off I went to meet her. On my way, I decided I would go shopping too. I ws taking the rest of the day off! SCREW THOSE PEOPLE AT WORK!
We met at the Galleria and had lunch. Great conversation. It was good to laugh, chit-chat and catch up. Then off to go shopping. I hit the Kiehl's counter at Nieman's and made small talk with Roxanne. She is the best sales girl. After that, I needed nothing else. I was just gonna help Hot Yoga Chick pick out an outfit, you know, just along for the ride. We had so much fun. Store after store and as it turns out I got something I have been wanting for a while. A hard boiled egg slicer. hahahaha Yeah. That's right. This is gonna fix all my problems today!
During the shopping trip I got a call from Wild Party Boy. I used to sponsor him and he has been out on a long relapse. He calls me every so often and I call him too. He had not returned any phone calls since before Thanksgiving. It was so good to talk to him. He told me he started IOP today. Then he asked if I would still work with him. I said OF COURSE! After we hung up I realized that I was not actively sponsoring anyone. I did have one guy and he relapsed Saturday night. Said he would call me but has not done so yet. These guys really keep me on my toes and on the straight and narrow.
I did get a few things for myself too. A couple of shirts, a pair of jeans. Stuff I did not need, but things I wanted. I realized I had not been shopping for myself, for clothes, or things for the house in a really long time. It felt good to spend a little money and get some joy that way. I was very aware of my behavior. I was not acting out in spending. Had I done that, my charge card would have felt it. There would have been many shoes purchased too - Lots of shoes. And there were no shoes. I didn't even try any on. And besides, I don't think an egg slicer constitutes acting out! lol
After all of this. We went to dinner at a sushi restaurant she likes. Very nice. We got to talk even more. It was great! The food was great! I loved it. During our conversation I somehow opened up a lot about my recovery. She knows I am sober, but we never really talked about it. She basically knows that this is a very important part of my life - and reminds me of that from time to time. lol
I was telling her about a friend of mine, Red Head Girl. Red and I have been friends for a long time. There are times when we go without speaking for years, and then we reconnect. I told Hot Yoga Chick how Red would go to the place where I attend meetings when she wanted to find me. And then we would catch up and stuff. Red has tried getting sober many times. And, of course, that is difficult for me emotionally. I just want the best for her, but I realize I may not know what that is. So get this: As we are about to leave, check is paid, we are just chatting some more, my phone rings from a number I don't know. I answer the call, and it is RED HEAD GIRL! I have not seen or heard from her in about five years! Red said that several of her friends went to a meeting on a Tuesday night two weeks ago and heard me share. They liked me and talked about me after the meeting in their half-way house. When Red heard my name she knew it must be me! She was mad she didn't go to the meeting that night. When it came to choose what meeting they were going to tonight, she insisted on going where I go. She went to the meeting tonight to look for me and I wasn't there. So she asked a guy, a friend of mine, for my number. He remembered her from several years ago when the three of us went to dinner after a meeting. And so there she was calling me. I told her I would call her right back, when I Got in the car. I said my good-bye's with Hot Yoga Chick and jumped in Lupe (my accord) and redialed Red's number. It was soooooo good to talk to her and catch up. We talked for quite a while. I am continuously amazed at how God can direct certain events in my life. I needed the day with Hot Yoga Chick, I needed the cal From Wild Party Boy. And I needed the call from Red Head Girl. All in all today, these events are just what the doctor ordered.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
I Have Hope For YOU
I heard a guy in a meeting share that the other day. It struck something inside me. I have been in such a funk over the past few weeks. I hate it. Somedays I cant even leave the house, not even my bedroom. Well, Ok, I leave the bedroom in order to go to the kitchen to make and get coffee. I have to have my coffee. I did think about bringing the coffee pot into my bedroom, but then I would still have to go to the fridge to get the coffee beans. So, I just tough it out by having to go ALL the way to the kitchen for coffee.
Seriously though. I cant figure out what is wrong. Why do I feel so hopeless? There is quite a bit going on - mostly in my head- and I just cant bear to deal with it. I am barely working and I have so much work right now. My boss is counting on me in so many ways. I am teaching a lot too. And I love that. But I also love to hate it. I am not even reading any blogs or writing - not even in my journal. I do seem to make it to meetings, but even then I am in a foul mood. When I heard this guys say that he "had hope for you" I knew he somehow meant me. I need someone to have hope for me. I dont think I have any hope - for me. I can talk to you and I have hope for you. Nothing is ever hopeless. I just cant see it for me, it is easier to see it for you. I am glad he shared and I heard. In a way, I need someone else to carry me right now. And, I figured, why not him. He seems to have enough hope to spare. I am gonna let his hope get me thru this.
Seriously though. I cant figure out what is wrong. Why do I feel so hopeless? There is quite a bit going on - mostly in my head- and I just cant bear to deal with it. I am barely working and I have so much work right now. My boss is counting on me in so many ways. I am teaching a lot too. And I love that. But I also love to hate it. I am not even reading any blogs or writing - not even in my journal. I do seem to make it to meetings, but even then I am in a foul mood. When I heard this guys say that he "had hope for you" I knew he somehow meant me. I need someone to have hope for me. I dont think I have any hope - for me. I can talk to you and I have hope for you. Nothing is ever hopeless. I just cant see it for me, it is easier to see it for you. I am glad he shared and I heard. In a way, I need someone else to carry me right now. And, I figured, why not him. He seems to have enough hope to spare. I am gonna let his hope get me thru this.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Happy Birthday to me
Today is my Birthday. BIG WOO! (to quote Suzanne Sugarbaker)
I have really been dreading it for some reason. I am not used to people making a big fuss over me. Maybe somehow, I think I don't deserve it. Anyways. It is my birthday and I am gonna take some time to honor that today.
I am starting by posting this pic. Any one know who it is? I do.
That' what I want - or rather, who I want for my birthday! God, he is fucking gorgeous! Happy Birthday to me!!!!!
Sunday, January 01, 2006
What Now?
I new year. 2006. Weren't we all worried about Y2K just yesterday? Time waits for no one.
I am - and have been so sad for sooooo long. I have been taken over by fits of crying. ugh! I hate crying. Last night I could not bear to be around people. I just wanted to stay home. I ended up at the center and was just so sad. I had to put my best face on - mostly so that people would not ask "why?" and try to "cheer me up". I find it interesting that if someone is sad or down, instantly people want to make you feel different. I just want to be left alone and feel my feelings so they can pass and I can get on with it!
I kept looking around at everyone. I knew just about everyone there. I smiled to myself that I oucould at least show up and be aong people that care about me. i smiled cause I knew I was home - yet I was still sad.
Then, a friend from Austin showed up. I lit up like a Christmas tree. I was so happy and excited. I had just been thinking about him earlier in the evening...wondering how he was spending new year's eve. I rushed over and gave him a big hug, and he huged me back, quite tightly! It was great to catch up with him. We spent a lot of time talking. I was all smiles!
We were outside talking when we heard all the comotion inside - must be mid-night. We kissed, and kissed, and kissed. What a great new year's eve. Again, I was just all smiles!
Today I am going to go to some different houses that I have been invited to and have black-eyed peas and cabbage. Of course I will go to Maxeen's house last and stay the longest there. I hope he makes that black-eyed pea gumbo thing.... mmmm-mmmm GOOD!
So, I am sitting here thinking to myself, "What now?" There is a new year and and opportunity for some new-ness in my life. My birthday is coming up and that just makes it a really good time to make changes. And so I ask myself what they could be. I'll need time to figure it out.... sometimes I think I will sell everything and move to San Francisco! But I can't - Houston is home. As soon as I figure out what is next, I'll let you know. Until then -
I wish everyone much PEACE and a very properous 2006.
I am - and have been so sad for sooooo long. I have been taken over by fits of crying. ugh! I hate crying. Last night I could not bear to be around people. I just wanted to stay home. I ended up at the center and was just so sad. I had to put my best face on - mostly so that people would not ask "why?" and try to "cheer me up". I find it interesting that if someone is sad or down, instantly people want to make you feel different. I just want to be left alone and feel my feelings so they can pass and I can get on with it!
I kept looking around at everyone. I knew just about everyone there. I smiled to myself that I oucould at least show up and be aong people that care about me. i smiled cause I knew I was home - yet I was still sad.
Then, a friend from Austin showed up. I lit up like a Christmas tree. I was so happy and excited. I had just been thinking about him earlier in the evening...wondering how he was spending new year's eve. I rushed over and gave him a big hug, and he huged me back, quite tightly! It was great to catch up with him. We spent a lot of time talking. I was all smiles!
We were outside talking when we heard all the comotion inside - must be mid-night. We kissed, and kissed, and kissed. What a great new year's eve. Again, I was just all smiles!
Today I am going to go to some different houses that I have been invited to and have black-eyed peas and cabbage. Of course I will go to Maxeen's house last and stay the longest there. I hope he makes that black-eyed pea gumbo thing.... mmmm-mmmm GOOD!
So, I am sitting here thinking to myself, "What now?" There is a new year and and opportunity for some new-ness in my life. My birthday is coming up and that just makes it a really good time to make changes. And so I ask myself what they could be. I'll need time to figure it out.... sometimes I think I will sell everything and move to San Francisco! But I can't - Houston is home. As soon as I figure out what is next, I'll let you know. Until then -
I wish everyone much PEACE and a very properous 2006.
