Monday, May 30, 2005

 

The Big D, That's for Dallas

I spent the weekend in Dallas. I was there for the Big D Round Up. I really enjoyed hanging out with all of my friends from Houston and especially my friends from Dallas. I am amazed at how many people in recovery from so many different cities I know. I enjoy these conventions mostly because I really like speaker meetings. I thought I had heard all but one speaker. When I showed up on Friday to listen to the speaker, 5 minutes into her story, I realized that I had heard her too! At first I was a bit upset. Then, I became filled with gratitude. I have been around long enough to have heard these speakers at other conventions. And I know these speakers and they know me. It became about knowing them instead of what can I get from them. It became about sitting down and listening and letting some one else garner some pearls of wisdom. It became about searching even further, digging deep to hear the message. I felt at home and at peace.

The Friday night show was lots of fun. There is a lot of talent in Dallas. The Saturday night play was very good. Lots of singing, drag, and shirtless boys!---- What else do I need as incentive to stay sober?! hahahaha

I hung out with friends. We talked a lot. I opened up to these guys in a way I have not done in some time. It felt good to be vulnerable and know that I was not being judged. Of course, they joked with me and kidded with me and basically just said, they understood because they were the same.

While I was in Dallas, I taught at Bikram Yoga Dallas. I felt so unbelievably connected to the yoga and the students and the staff. I miss teaching yoga. I also got to practice. I miss practicing. I enjoyed practicing so much. I felt safe there. I felt good about my practice, about my body, about me. Life is good in the little brown room on Mockingbird Lane.

I thoroughly enjoyed this weekend. I made a few more friends and am looking forward to seeing them again.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

 

Gibberish Wednesday

Barbed Wire. That is what I think I feel in my underarms....No, wait. It is just the hair growing back. I have never shaved my underarms before last Saturday. I've done drag a couple of times before and have always refused to shave my chest and underarms. Then, for other reasons, shaving my chest became a regular thing. It does not hurt or itch to grow back there. My underarms are another story. Honestly, itching, burning, lots of little hairs growing back, stabbing me! OUCH! It is tender there, you know. I don't think I'll be doing this again anytime soon. Next time I am wearing a full, long sleeve dress covering my underarms so I don't have to shave.

Missing people. I miss the Serene Silver Fox, aka Llama Lady or Mama Llama Lady. We spoke today. I wish she was here or me there.....NO! I wish she was just here. I like it here. I don't know why she got a wild hair to move. I miss you!

I miss the Affluent Bohemian. We spoke today too, She lives in Houston and we both have pretty busy lives. I am amazed that we make time as often as we do. But we are going on a long time now....Maybe 2 months.....Feels like 6 months. I love her! She is my biggest fan and is always there to offer support.

I miss my dear friend, Princess Yogini from San Francisco. We spoke today too. She caught me up on a friend of ours. It was so nice to hear her voice. I love talking to her.

I went to yoga class. I miss going regularly. I had a superb class. I have noticed though that I have stiffened up. I was able to do the strength poses but not so much the flexibility ones. Oh well, I'll take it in stride. I'll be contorting myself again in no time.

I came home and Goddess Mother came over for dinner. I miss her too. We have not been so regular on our get togethers either. She brought penne pasta and meat sauce. Yumm! I made a spinach salad with blueberries and raspberries and sunflower seeds. And for dessert, we had sorbet. Two flavors, peach and lemon.

I've been doing laundry since I got home around 6:45. I DO NOT MISS DOING LAUNDRY! ughh! This is the worst chore for me. I cant wait till I find my handsome prince that will do my laundry for me. Yes, I live in a fantasy world.


Tuesday, May 24, 2005

 

Joy and Sorrow

I met a really wonderful guy earlier this year. It has been along time since I felt this way about someone. I was fearful yet enthusiastic. He taught me a lot about myself. I had somehow become jaded on LOVE. And he fanned the flames and inspired me to believe with a wide-eyed child's faith. His youthfulness and naivete was contagious. lol There is an age difference. I sometimes feel silly for thinking it would go anywhere at all, but I was hopeful. Things ended rather abruptly and I do not know why. I've called him a few times with no calls returned. I want desperately to talk to him....to know why. I am not angry nor am I bitter. I am sad. Some days the sadness is so heavy I can barely get out of bed....barely even speak. Today is one of those days. I think of all the joy he brought to my life. Of the warmth, the gentle kisses, holding hands, and even the way my heart would beat a little faster and the quickening of my breath. I remember his blue eyes and beautiful smile. I think of him fondly still...even in my sadness.

I am reminded of Khalil Gibran's writing in The Prophet:

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered: Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes you spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep on your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and silver, needs must your joy and your sorrow rise or fall.

My sadness is directly proportionate to the joy I was given and vice-versa. And with that, I am still and there is a quiet acceptance of this great truth.

Monday, May 23, 2005

 

There and Back

I am very glad to have taken a the month off from teaching yoga. I have so much on my plate, that teaching would have been just added stress. I have been so swamped with work...and in multiple cities and multiple languages. ughh. I had to go to New Orleans today. I woke up at 5:30 and got on the road. I got back at 8:15. I drove there and back in one day! It was a very successful business trip. I love schmoozing my clients...and that is just showing up really and being in front of them, chatting, laughing jioking and me collecting a check.... they do a lot of business with me. When another rep shows up, they call me to make sure it is ok to talk to them.....very loyal clients. I could have taken care of all of this via email, fax, and Fed-Ex, but then the schmoozing would not happen....would they be so loyal then? I was there two weeks ago for an over night trip. And I tied up my project today. Nice work for what is basically a day and half worth of work.

It has been a while since I have been on the road for work. I used to drive back and forth a lot...for about 18 months. I guess the traveling there has been pretty regular, it has not really stopped. I realized today that I will always have my fingers in the New Orleans market - no matter who it gets assigned to. I helped build that market and maintain it too. And I am glad that company depends on me to get things done there.

I used to hate the road. Now I enjoy it. Seeing all of God's beauty in the trees, the moss, the swamps, and learning to drive the speed limit. :) Wondering how in the world did they build all those 20-something mile bridges over the swamps..... I like to listen to the hum of the car, the wind blowing, cracking the window and feeling the air. Scan for radio stations. I listen to speaker tapes a lot. (I know that this is a lot to do on a road trip, but it is a 5 1/2 hour one-way trip) The speaker tapes JAZZ me up. They kick start my belief in God, my understanding a of power greater than me, my searching for more. They keep me in line with the program in order to grow. THIS IS MY TIME WITH GOD. I usually come home with a much better attitude than when I left.

I also get to catch up with friends on the phone. I must have talked to 30 people today - some work related. I spoke to my sponsor twice....And she called me. That rarely happens. Once this morning and once this evening. There and back. I spoke to a couple of yoga teacher friends, one in San Fran and one in Houston. Friends in Dallas, DC, LA, New York, Chicago, & Forth Worth. My friends keep me connected to God too - all the way there and all the way back.

I miss teaching yoga. I am looking forward to teaching in Dallas this weekend. I will also be attending the Big D Round Up. Working on strengthening the physical temple for the Atman and connecting with the Atman. A weekend to re-energize my body and my desire to stay sober. I'm driving. God will be with me - there and back.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

 

Lola..She Was A Showgirl

Last night we had a fundraiser for The Lambda Center. I love Lambda. There is nothing I would not do for this center....Even put on a dress when asked to do so. It was a good cause. Gives a new meaning to 'willing to go to any lengths to stay sober' We had so much fun. It was the Miss Lambda Pageant. There were 7 contestants. Of course only one could win....and the one that did win was definitely wanting the title...BAD! He... I mean she was so cute. We raised a lot of money. Such a generous fellowship. We raised over $2,000 Thank you all.

Our opening number was our rendition of Cell Block Tango from Chicago. We were all just surprised by the response from the audience.

I was Lola, and my talent was dancing around trying to portray a showgirl to Barry Manilow singing Copacabana. It was a long number. I was not quite sure what I was doing, but it all turned out just fine. The crowd was so loving and responsive. I was a bit blown away from working the audience and sitting in people's laps. hahahaha it is amazing what people will let a man in a dress get away with.

Then there was the evening gown competition and question to answer. I did not do so well with that question. "What would your perfect and romantic date be and ith who?" I have not been on a date in a while. Perfect date? Is there such a thing? I;ll stop now...I think I am rambling in a jaded sort of way.
So I answered something that made me sound like a dumb blonde! Even worse, a dumb, Latin brunette.

I will say that I was very please to not have looked like a little Latin boy in dress. I did pretty good.
I want to say thank you to DAAVE for some of these pictures. Here are some of Lola.





Here are some of the other girls.....


So much fun was had by all. When i get picstures if the other contestants, i'll post those. And of course, more of me. :)


Friday, May 20, 2005

 

Meditation

I love the daily meditation book Daddy Long Legs gave me. Today's was:

Lately I've been making it my practice to listen a lot. So when someone is talking to me, I keep my mind focused on them--their voice, their words, their message. I dont interrupt, think how I'll respond, or let myself be distracted by critical thoughts. I've noticed that people are really grateful to be listened to attentively, without interruption.

I have italicized and made bold what in particular stood out to me that I most definately do when others are speaking to me. It is so calming to know that all I have to do is listen. Of course, now people are so used to me talking or interrupting that they keep asking if I am ok, or what I am thinking. lol They know me so well. I just have been responding by saying, "I'm listening" Imagine that. And just two days ago I literally had the cotton taken out of my ears....coincidence?

Mary Christmas sent me this. I really dig photography, scuplture, etc, you know, art. I especially like that these items remind people of me and they let me know.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

 

Talking About the Pink Elephant

Today has been something else. This morning, I got the cotton off of a cotton swap stuck in my ear while cleaning them. I had to drive across town to get my sister to use tweezers and get it out. Gives literal meaning to "get the cotton out of your ears...."

I am the youngest of 7 kids. All boys one girl. They all know I am gay. How could they not know? Geez! We just dont talk about it. That's the big, pink elephant in the room. Lately, I have been having the sense that I am not being totally honest about who I am with my family. I dont feel close to them. Well, If I am withholding part of my life ( A BIG PART OF MY LIFE), how could they get to know ALL of me. Feels dishonest by omission.

Today. I went to visit my sister. After she got the cotton out of my ear, we had a talk. Basically I came out to her. It was very awkward for me to talk to my sister about something so personal. She covered her face at first as to compose herself. And then said. "I knew that's why you were coming over. We must be connected in some way." We talked a bit. She had questions, and I answered the best I could. Everything is good. She commented on how Mom knows too, but does not want to talk about it. It seems my oldest half-brother went on some rampage bashing me a few years ago on the gay thing and that's what made mom not want to hear or talk any more. I enjoyed the talk with my sister.

I was so nervous and anxious. I met my Brother for lunch. It was not until I was driving him back to his office that I said I wanted to talk to him. I told I was gay. He said ok. We talked for a bit in the car and stayed in the car when we got to his office, still talking. He told me to be myself. And that I was still his brother, that nothing has changed. He was very accepting. I remember thinking to myself, "Is this what unconditional love feels like from my own family?" He explained some things about what he understood and it was good. He also said that I would be surprised at Mom's reaction too if I gave her a chance.

Mom is out of the country till the first week in June. She is next.

So, at the age of 33 (and 5 years sober) I got honest and I came out to my family. It feels really good to have talked about this to my family. It feels even better to say, "HEY! LOOK! There's a big, pink elephant standing right there. Dont you see it? Isnt he just great? Made exactly the way God intended." And that Elephant is me.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

 

Proud Tio

I have been trying to get to a karate class for a couple of weeks. More specifically, my nephew's karate class. He teaches after school with Kick Start Program. I got to go today and all I have to say is WOW! Am I gonna be sore tomorrow. I can already feel it in my biceps and my thighs. It was a good workout. He calls me "Tio" Spanish for uncle - which I am. I told him he could call me by my first name - nick name that is. He said it was weird, but he did it. He explained that today was a very different class...More advanced. He has a student that is going to a competition on Friday in Dallas. He was helping her get some last minute training in. He assured me that next time it would be a little easier. We did jumping jacks...Have not done those since gym class..... Oh, by the way he teaches at my old middle school. He a went to school there too. So, it felt like the old days. A little running around the gym, a little stretching, and then on to some fighting stances and boxing-like moves. I learned that I punch like a girl! lol I truly enjoyed the look on Master Karate Teacher's face when he saw me..... I can only imagine what his thoughts were. He helped quite a bit. And I have to say that I enjoy his style. The kids and other students really respect him. We teamed up and did some sparring....I was nervous since,like I said, I punch like a girl. So he was my partner. There was a lady there I spoke to before class, probably in her late 40's early 50's. I figured I could spar with her and take her.....I am glad that my Master Karate Teacher was my partner 'cause that lady was a blue belt and a punching machine. My nephew just laughed when I commented on my punching and he replied, "Tio, don't worry. It's your first time. You will learn to throw a punch. Look you are already improving." don't get me wrong, he also told me when the punches sucked! hahahaha I love that honesty.

While we were sparring there were 2 boys next to us sparring as well. Both teenagers, fairly good looking, I am sure they will be lookers when they grow up. One was pretty short, 4 foot something and the other one taller. The short one kept getting points and was the better opponent. I heard him tell his friend, "No dude, I'm better 'cause of my long legs. Really, that's why I can get more points." I stopped and stared then laughed. He pointed to his legs to show his partner. That made me laugh more. Master Karate Teacher laughed also and said, "Yeah. Funny huh? His nick name is DADDY LONG LEGS." That made me laugh even harder. Due to my dear friend who I have dubbed Daddy Long Legs on this blog. Will the real Daddy Long Legs please step forward?

Then everyone took turns sparring with the girl going to the competition. It was tough.....And man, was she good. I just sat down. I did not feel like getting beat up by a teenage girl today. lol We finished class with sprinting, lots of sit ups, push ups, crunches and the like. I was wet with sweat! I cant wait to go back.

It was nice to see my nephew in his environment. And it was nice to talk to him. I forgot he used to work at the Y downtown that I just joined. We are going to hit the Y together for some work outs. I think I would like that. I thought about him and his siblings, I used to change their diapers. His sister and little brother are both in the service. They all did the Kick Start program. It really turned their lives around. The neighborhood where they grew up and, well, the road they were on I know very well. I grew up in that neighborhood too. They were raised by their mother....My brother was no where around. I know about being raised by just one parent - mom. We could have all ended up much differently. When I got in my car to drive away, I was overwhelmed with pride in all of them. I wanted to say, "That's MY nephew!" I am such a proud Tio. I am honored to be his student.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

 

Time Flies

I did not get a chance to post yesterday. Jam-packed weekend.

Yesterday, I woke up and went to yoga class. I have been in a place where I do not want to practice and procrastinate or talk myself out if it. I already know that showing up is the hardest part. So I show up and instead of focusing on how much I did not want to be there, just did each pose.... ( the hot guy next to me also added inspiration to stay as well) Before I knew it, class was over.

I went to a meeting at 11:30. It was exactly what I needed. The meeting was over before I knew it.

I spent the afternoon playing dress up for the show with my roommate and before I knew it, dinner time had a arrived.

We went to dinner with Goddess Mother, her cousin and best friend, Bubbles, and their Aunt OKC Annie. Goddess Mother, (what I've grown to call her) has been sober 28 years. I call her Goddess Mother cause she sponsored me not the Catholic Church. She really gave me such a great view on God and AA and spirituality. I dont know who my God Parents are so, I adopted her as My Goddess Mother. We met at 7:30 and I knew I would be home by 10....Well guess what? After Dinner we went to a different restaurant for coffee and dessert (Mary Christmas' fabulous idea) Then we went to see Madame Gypsy to get our Tarot cards read and have a numerology reading as well. She is unbelievably right on the money each time. It's very eerie to have some one else tell you about yourself and be so insightful.

Again, before we knew it, it was 1:30 am. How did that happen. We were having so much fun! And then thought, it was abit sad that these women in their late 50's (that's for Goddess Mother and Bubbles) and OKC Annie who lookes in the same age range but if she is their Aunt, wouldn't that make her older? They were all out pacing me by staying up late. I needed to get to bed.

So, that's my Saturday night.

Today I woke up terribly late and had breakfast with Daddy Long Legs and Mary Christmas. Then Mary Christmas and I went and joined the YMCA. More on this later. Follow that up with lounging by the pool at Maxeen's and reading a book, a few magazines, playing more Canasta and grilling steaks for dinner. I went to a 7 pm meeting that was fairly good. After the meeting I met up with some guys and went to a movie - Monster in Law with J Lo and Jane Fonda. Hysterical movie. Highly recommended on the entertainment side.....

The whole weekend seems to have flown by. My, how time flies when I am having fun!

Friday, May 13, 2005

 

Searching and Finding

I moved into my house a little over a year ago. I have been diligently looking, searching for perfect pieces of furniture that fit and show my personality.... Really, I've been nesting.....hahahaha Seriously though, I have been working on making this house my home. I've been finding exactly what I want and what I like and what is affordable. I am dumbfounded at how people listen when I am speaking because I have over the last year received many phone calls from different friends and acquaintances to inform me of items that they thought might work for me and to "go look." This is how i found my dining room table chairs and a painting in the dining room. I got a call from my dear friend, Hot Yoga Chick to let me know that she found a butcher block table for my kitchen. (this is my latest obsession - a butcher block table) I have seen 4 over the past year that were perfect but due to my procrastination, I have missed out. One has to be reasonable and stick to a budget. These suckers can go from $199 to well over a $1,000. yikes! So Hot Yoga Chick finds one at Crate and Barrell, within my price range. She leaves me a long detailed voice mail describing it, left the web address and the stock number even! I have the best friends ever. I laughed and saved the voice mail. Looked at the table but decided against it. I think Hot Yoga Chick was soooooo sweet to think of me and my house and pass along the information and in such an entertaining manner. :)

I had dinner with Daddy Long Legs. He gave me another book that is part of my 5th anniversary. Ralph Blum's Little Book of Runic Wisdom. It's a meditation book. Today's entry is from the Bhagavad Gita. Coincidence - I think not considering how I am a yoga geek and this morning I decided it was time to get a new daily meditation book. I started my search this morning and found it this evening. All part of the grand design.

I got a call today from a friend that has been relapsing. I am glad I was available. I just want to remind myself by saying that twelfth step work is very important. Yet another example of searching and finding....quite possibly without even knowing it.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

 

On Awakening and Retiring at Night

I woke up early this morning and had lots to get done for work, make time to have lunch with Mary Christmas, go on more appointments, run errands and I was exhausted thinking about all of this over my first cup of coffee. I remembered to get still and slowly think about my day as I let the dog out.....looking in my back yard I was excited to see the blooms from some plants that the Affluent Bohemian's mom gave me last fall. And then I noticed that the Iris was blooming too. It's a walking Iris which means that the bloom will weigh the stalk down till it hits the ground and then takes root again. Very interesting and even more beautiful. Then I noticed that the basil is coming back. It is so fragrant. Last year it was HUGE! I am paying special attention to it. And there are so many tiny plants already growing up next to it from the seeds..... I thought to myself this morning..."What a great way to start the day. Such beautiful fruits of my gardening labor."




I had coffee with Daddy long Legs this afternoon. I enjoy going to Starbuck's and just chatting with friends. We talked about some of the aspects of the blog I do not yet understand. He is going to help me change up the design a bit... I cant wait.




Tonight I had Dinner With Mary Christmas, Maxeen, & MIA. Afterward we played canasta.... Such a fun game. We laughed so hard and cut up and basically ACTED A FOOL! I love my friends and the joy the bring into my life. So, from on awakening to retiring at night....My day has been full.

 

Unsupervised

This is my first post....I feel like I have done this UNSUPERVISED. I did read a book that Daddy Long Legs gave me on blogging. And I know he is going to help me with the design and any glitches I encounter along the way. Considering how UNtechnical I am and how computer challenged I am...I feel awful proud right now. :)

this first post is titled appropriately because when my roommate, Mary Christmas, and I are unsupervised.....These are the results: making a movie with Alpaca puppets. Let me explain. My friend and sponsor, Serene Silver Fox, donated an item to our Houston Round Up silent auction that I received today. Included were some Alpaca finger puppets made from Alpaca wool. I was wearing them on my index fingers to show them to Mary Christmas. He thought it was so funny because I was playing with the dog, Ms. Chanel, and grabbed his digital camera. I thought he was gonna take a picture.....He was filming. The 30 second clip of my interpretation of a conversation between me & Serene Silver Fox (who I refer to sometimes as Llama Lady as I did in the video) captured the essence of what happens in this house when we go unsupervised. I have watched over and over.....repeatedly laughing my ass off!

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